PRINCE DROOL

Once upon a time there lived a prince. I can't say that he was a handsome Prince - he wasn't. He was uglier than hog with a hangover. In addition to being ugly, this prince had many unpleasant habits, the most odious of which was drooling (that's drooling, not duelling). He drooled whenever he was nervous, whenever he was excited, and he especially drooled over fair maidens.

He was known far and wide as the drooling prince, or Prince Drool. This didn't bother him in the least; he was remarkably insensitive. He also had an awful personality; he was quite simple and always broke. His father the King was rich, but he rarely indulged the prince, other than to provide him with a beautiful white charger whom the prince called Corvette.

The prince loved his horse, and would ride proudly throughout the kingdom, leaving a trail of glistening drool behind him, attempting to seduce the not especially bright maidens who were attracted to Corvette. But as they were women, they were much brighter than the prince, they'd say things like "Would you excuse me for a moment whilst I wash my tresses." and that would be the last he'd see of them. This was unfortunate because the king would have liked a grandchild, if only to skip over the prince and continue the royal line with dignity.

 One evening the king summoned the prince to the royal bed chamber. "Prince," he gasped, "I think I'll be dead before the year is out (he was only suffering from a severe case of indigestion), so I'm giving you one week to prove you are worthy of my fortune (ha ha) or it will all go to the society for the preservation of dragons. This was not a purely benevolent gesture on the King's part. The king had for years relied on dragons as the enforcement arm of his protection rackets. If villagers did not pay their taxes the king would send down a dragon to terrorise them.

This was far more effective than the ill-fated GST. Unfortunately, the dragons were demanding more and more from the king, and it was rumoured that they were applying for certification by the united dragon workers. Since the king had no replacement dragons his bargaining power would be limited. This could mean the downfall of the kingdom, but like most rulers with evaporating omnipotence the king was ignoring the facts and turning to more mundane things, like insisting the prince find a wife.

 "You are to go forth into the Kingdom and return with a fair maiden who is willing to marry you." said the King. "Complete this task I have set, and you will inherit my kingdom, the dragon’s contract, and the keys to the regal bathroom. Big deal!

"No problemo," said the prince. Being stupid, he had no idea how inept he was in the world at large. "First." he thought, "I'll go out and kidnap some helpless maiden. This of course was nigh impossible; the kingdom wasn't that big, and the maidens were no longer helpless having availed themselves of the courses at Eric's school of hog rearing and codpiece crunching.

The prince’s case wasn't helped by the local media who were slagging off the prince at every opportunity. In every village a crowd would gather to hear the latest on the royals from the tabloid press. Usually someone like Loid, a former bingo caller with a loud voice who had set himself up as the Town crier. He would call out, “Oh yea, oh yea, my sources tell me that Prince drool is not fit to sleep with hogs."  "Oh yes he is!" would scream the crowd. "Oh yea, oh yea, the Palace has issued a statement denying this - apparently the prince prefers sheep." 

The prince slowly realized that if he were going to find a maiden who would be willing to marry him, he would have to travel to a strange town beyond the boundaries of the kingdom, travel at night, or wear a disguise. He did all three. He even traded in his horse Corvette; it was too easily recognized. He now rode a black charger. He called it - Dodge.

Prince drool rode for many days before he came to a town that seemed, well - strange. It was dark when he reined dodge to a halt in front of the inn. "Why," said the prince, drooling profusely, "Here is a fair maiden standing in the shadows beside the Inn." (It was dark remember). The prince peered closely, maybe she would be the one he would marry. She seemed fair enough — until she smiled, then he could see she was a little long in the tooth — both of them. That didn't matter to Prince Drool, it really was true what the tabloid town crier had said.

"Fair maiden," drooled the prince, "how would you like to marry me and be my princess - and be rich too?"

"Be a princess," said the maiden, "That's the best offer I've had all evening, sure, why not". It was so easy Prince Drool couldn't believe his luck.

"We'll be married in the morning," he said. 

They did indeed marry the following morning. They then set out on the return journey to Prince drool's home, but as they drew closer, they could see that a disaster had befallen the kingdom, all the crops in the fields were burnt, the villages in smoking ruins. The prince and his new bride reached the castle to find the old King on his death bed (he was still only suffering from indigestion).

"I'm here with a wife father, where's the cash?" The prince of course was quite tactless.

"Sorry son, there is no cash. The dragon got greedy, he roared in last night with an attitude and an ultimatum. If I don't provide him with a princess, he'll incinerate us."

"No problemo," slurped the prince. "I have met your challenge, here is my new wife, she is a Princess. We can give her to the dragon then I'll be rich. Which is an option that the shrewd old king had considered all along, except for the part about the prince being rich.

Now the new princess may have led a socio-economically deprived life in a male-dominated society, but she wasn't stupid. She had her eye on the main chance. Like Princess Di she planned to be queen one day soon. She was more than a match for Prince Drool and his dad, who incidentally was already calculating gate receipts and taking side bets on the dragon.

"Better still," whispered the Princess, "why don't you challenge the dragon to a duel (that's duel, not drool), if you win, you'll be twice as rich, and still have me."

"Great idea," said the prince. Travel had not broadened his mind.

Word of the challenge was sent out and the whole kingdom gathered to watch the prince fry. The peasants, like peasants everywhere, didn't really care who ruled them. But they loved any excuse to watch simplistic displays of gratuitous violence.

The host was Lloyd. He was also providing biased media coverage.

"Oh yea, oh yea," he hollered, "On the east side of the arena is the beautiful iridescent green dragon.

"The dragon stood alone, fearless, wisps of smoke from his pilot light curling upwards into the morning air.

"And, on the west side of the arena (facing into the sun) Our Knight in rusty armour - the drooling prince."

Prince drool was out drooling himself with anxiety. A pond was forming around him. His mighty charger was trampling the ground into mud.

"Let the battle commence," cried Lloyd. The dragon by this time was already halfway down the hill snorting smoke, great blasts of flame scorching the arena, singing the eyebrows of the unwise who had mistakenly paid good money for front row seats.

Prince Drool urged his mighty charger forward, but poor old Dodge couldn't move, he was stuck in the mud. The crowd rushed forward to push, and, with a mighty slurp Dodge was free, charging towards the dragon, Prince Drool waving his sword wildly. It looked as though the prince and the dragon would collide head on, but at the last moment the dragon sidestepped as nimbly as a politician dodging a question and gave a mighty blast aimed right at Prince Drool.

Amazingly nothing happened, except for little puffs of steam arising from the post warranty perforations in the prince's armour. The dragon tried again and again but he just couldn't ignite the knight. Prince drool wasn't called the drooling prince for nothing. His armour, and especially his underwear was soaking wet. The prince was non-flammable.

The dragon was so embarrassed at his failure that he turned and ran. The crowd roared, the king had a heart attack, Loid called for a rematch, and the princess smiled her long toothed smile. Prince Drool was rich at last and a hero to his people. There was nothing left to do but for the Prince and the Princess to live happily ever after. But given their psychological profiles it didn't happen. They became a miserable dysfunctional family with three children, sisters -- two ugly, drooling ones and one who was annoyingly bubbly. Her name was Cindy, and you know the rest.

 Home

December 1995 David Hobson